The Ides of March

 ...or, how I got unexpectedly stabbed.

On Friday I got a text from the state saying to review the current guidelines about vaccination eligibility. And to my surprise, I found out that anyone with a BMI of 30 or above was eligible here in San Francisco. So many feelings. My BMI has prevented me from getting care for my pain and suffering for years, so to find it suddenly is getting me preferential treatment is both humiliating and... feels a little like reparations.

I made an appointment for Monday afternoon, and the followup for April 5th. I didn't know what to expect and my cuticles are a mess from anxiety. In the end I convinced Martin to come with me; I was hoping they'd just give him a shot, but honesty won out in the end. But I'm glad I had him there. 

I didn't expect the massive emotional... thrum - there's no real way to describe it - when she lined up the needle. I closed my eyes and thought about all the fear, and the pain, all the uncertainty and the loss. Of people suffering and dying in the hospitals alone; of medical workers forced to do their best over and over in the face of mounting losses and public indifference; of mothers laboring and delivering alone; of my own terrifying solo walk towards major surgery and possible death. I thought about the trips we'd planned; Melbourne, Burning Man; Costume College and Carnevale, Hawaii, London, all the good things we'd had to let slip through our fingers, then further and further away. 

I was in so much emotional pain I didn't even feel the needle, only the hard plastic seat, the hot wetness at the edge of my mask, and Martin's hand in mine. I can't believe that this is almost over.

And then I looked up at my partner, who is not labeled obese, who is not eligible, and who I am now terrified for. I didn't expect the shot to come for me before July and I didn't expect that we wouldn't get it together and now I feel like a horrible person for taking it and not waiting. 

I got stabbed on the Ides of March, and I will be fully vaccinated by May Day. It's a lot to take in right now.