Fermata

I haven't written in awhile.

Let me start over.  I haven't written in awhile, because I've been depressed and lonely, even among all the wonders of London.

No, that's only part of it. Let me try again.

In mental health circles right now there's this concept of the "media diet", which is to say to cease reading and looking at things that have a negative impact on your mood, mental health, and ability to function.

Yesterday I unfollowed some people on Facebook (unfollowed, not unfriended mind you) because I realized that this is a thing I needed to do.

Here in London I'm basically living in a bubble of silence. I barely know anyone here, I have Mike for company and occasionally meet someone I know from Elsewhere for coffee (or randomly on the tube, or randomly in Kew gardens, etc etc etc). But I have so few friends here and no real way to meet more. I realized that in an average week I talk to three people in person who aren't Mike, and all three are people who I'm buying things from. Occasionally a tourist in the neighborhood will ask me for directions. Once in awhile there'll be one of those bizarre, rare "strike up a conversation with a Londoner" moments. But they're maybe a monthly occurrence if at all.

And so I've done what depressed, lonely people tend to do these days: I trawl the internet endlessly, especially Facebook and things that make me feel more connected to people in my old home. A lot of people have already forgotten me, which was a bit of a shock; in the end having a job that you work 10 hours a day is apparently about the same as moving 5000+ miles away. People don't see you at events and you cease to exist.

But there are some trends in my social network which I just can't handle, to wit, that people on both the left and right are sealioning the shit out of each other, making anyone who expresses even a small disagreement the subject of harassment and emotional threats. This isn't healthy. This isn't dialogue, discourse, or the mature civility that I crave. And in the end what I realized, is that this is silencing me.

I don't want to write about anything substantial because I'm worried what people will say. Not because I care necessarily that they disagree, but because I'm so *tired* of feeling like I'm fighting everyone, like everyone is going to jump all over me for disagreeing. That's silencing. And then recently, for not agreeing loudly enough.  That was the breaking point for me.

I can only take care of one person at a time, and right now that person needs to be me. I've done a shit job of it recently and that needs to stop. I don't have the energy (because fuck you and your fucking spoons) to handle the crises of the entire world; I'm burnt out and it's 1pm in London and I haven't even had a shower or breakfast yet today.

I hope, and please if you're reading this, hold me to it, I hope I can write tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Even little things, even a bit. I have so much research backlogged, and I have so many story ideas simmering along, waiting for me to come back to health.