Another long-open tab

 I forget to write among all this chaos. I think I can be forgiven.

On September 23rd I woke up somewhere around 5am because of a searing burning pain in my neck. It's developed into another rib-subluxation-spasm like I had in March/April 2019, except this time I'm trying everything I can to fix it fast, and seemingly, in vain. Seeing a chiropractor *that day* didn't help, because the muscles were locked up and holding it in place. Seeing him repeatedly didn't seem to help either. A week later the doctor prescribed PT and massage therapy - I was able to get one hourlong massage and the next availability is October 13th. The PT place hasn't called me back and I'm at something of a loss about how to find any more massage therapists who are open for business again.

I'm in pain, my right neck, trapezius, shoulder blade, lat, deltoid and upper arm are sore and in spasm, and my lower arm has shooting pain and some numbness on the ball of my thumb. And the best I can do for all of this right now is to take drugs to numb the pain so I can sleep, and hope that the muscles will stop spasming. 

For anyone counting, this is day 11. I took all last week off because of various Things, which is what I'd meant to write about when I first opened this tab in September.

My acupuncturist, who has this terrible habit of trying to push me into letting her treat more than needs treating, said this feels like an emotional injury and for once I have to agree with her. As she was working on the axis of the knot, I found myself sobbing. Not because I was sad or angry or scared or in pain, though I was all of those things, but because that's apparently what's bound up in this muscle/spine issue.

The Tower and Death had been chasing me in my readings for the last few weeks, and I was beginning to be really truly afraid. I put my earthquake kit near the back door, because the Tower has specific meanings particular to California. I wrote up a basic, not-very-professional will. 

But it is impossible to know which of the things in the last two weeks either of these items refer to, because there's a lot:
- the (finally!) public offering of my first startup, which was not particularly successful, which suffered greatly from technical issues and has yet to net me a single dollar; 
- the first house we found in six months searching that we could see ourselves living in, and which we put an offer on which was not accepted;
- attempting to resolve interpersonal poly friction with a mediator-therapist and being rebuffed for weeks;
- the still-aching loss of a promising secondary partner;
- the twinge of nihilism that warns me it might be time to start looking for a more fulfilling job;
- the continued California fires;
- the lack of vacation and subsequent burnout exacerbated by said fires;
- the shitshow of US politics;
- the particular developments of the inmate of Walter Reed;
- the continued ravages of Covid in the US, just, you know, in general;
- climate dread.

Today the air cleared enough (AQI of about 70) that I felt safe going down to the beach again for some fresh air. This year has been about teaching us, the hard way, how much we took for granted; the ability to travel internationally; the ability to see friends; the ability to touch those who aren't within our own households; the ability to travel locally and enjoy the forests; the ability to eat and drink food we did not prepare; the ability to eat and drink outdoors; the ability to go outdoors without protective breathing equipment, and the list goes on and on and on...

I experience a sort of release-of-grief each time we get back something that's been taken from us. The first time I stood in line again at my favorite coffee place, I found myself weeping under my mask and not quite understanding why. When my favorite Indian place still delivered, it was the same. Seeing the farmer's market continue, the adorable English tea room nearby open, eating outdoors at our favorite pasta place again, I wept. When my favorite ramen place reopened I sobbed. When I heard the Parks Department would continue building the ferris wheel for the Golden Gate Park 150th anniversary I broke down in tears again.

I am holding all of this grief because there is nothing else to do with it, and it does appear that it is damaging me.