Real Fear

I am so scared.

After much wrangling with insurance, we're doing a 2-level fusion at UCSF. Anthem wouldn't approve a synthetic disc along with the fusion, so we're doing less to spare my mobility, on the promise they made that if I still have pain they'll approve a disc in a second operation. December 15th is my surgery day. That's a week away. I have an LOA set up with work. I have all the moving parts figured out and scheduling bits in place. And I am scared.

I am so scared I've been randomly breaking down into sobs, for minutes at a time. Hyperventilating, ugly cry, scared. Started turning on music when it happens so I don't freak out the downstairs neighbors. We're at four times today. Nothing like snapping-to and finding you've been sobbing on the kitchen floor in the middle of the day while your lunch cooks to make you doubt your own sanity.

What if I'm doing the wrong thing? What if it doesn't work? There's so much that's out of my hands.

I have never been scared on this animal, bodily level. I'm sitting in here piloting this meat suit through daily tasks while it shakes and sobs and I have to tell it to blink more so I can see what I'm trying to do and I am just... is this still a healthy level of compartmentalization? Am I doing this wrong? Is this breaking me? (Was I broken beforehand and just hadn't quite noticed?)

I'm reading through the pre-surgical instructions and putting them on the calendar and I can't stop crying. 

I can't imagine this hurting less. I am grieving the loss of my, I'll admit to this vanity, my pretty neck and collarbones. I'm scared that on top of this, it won't help - I'll still be in pain (in more, different pain) and will have to get a second surgery anyway. More scarring, more pain, more loss of the OEM parts I had.

And then some part of me recognizes that I am *in* pain right now, and despite my brain's insistence that I'm not in real pain, not really, I actually am, and that's why this (including the random crying jags) is happening and that's why I need this surgery. 

So I took one of my baby tramadol and I am going to go to sleep now.