Self-talk

T-minus three days to surgery. I keep waiting for some Sign(tm) that I'm doing the right thing, and in the absence of such I keep second- and third-guessing myself. I am in enough pain that I have lost the ability to reason about the pain; my brain keeps going back to the following: 1) Did I do enough to try to fix this without surgery? 2) Is my pain really *that* bad? Aren't there people worse off than me here? 3) Since this happened to me, don't I deserve to suffer? 4) What if it goes wrong?

As a mental health exercise, let me break this down for myself and see if it helps.

1) Yes. This first happened in March of 2019 and you toughed it out for a full month before seeking help, then you spent four more months getting back to 99% functionality, all without knowing that this was going to happen again. There were two more levels waiting to go. 

2) Yes, and this is bullshit medical-care-rationing thinking. You are in pain and thus you deserve treatment; you don't need to compare your pain to anyone else to justify getting it. You're having trouble with word-finding, you're having trouble with names, and focus and concentration are beyond you. These are all signs that things aren't going to get better on their own. Sure there are kids starving in Sudan or something, but nothing practical you can do is going to change that, and putting everyone else who suffers before your own care is not actually helping them or you. This is a trauma response. Putting others before yourself here will not make you a better person, win you approval or accolades from a distant theoretical authority.

3) No. This is the body you were granted for this incarnation. Part of the experience you're having is that of watching Time change it. Remember how you felt exactly this way when you got your first crown molar? How ashamed and grief-stricken you were that you couldn't keep your teeth in exactly the state they were when they first cut through your gums? And now it's nothing? You won't ever be the same, but Time was going to ensure that for you anyway. It's just not quite the not-the-same as you'd originally envisioned, and while it's natural given your upbringing to grieve that somewhat, don't let naturalistic fallacy swallow you whole. 

4) Even if it goes wrong, it will help. UCSF is world renowned for their Spine Center, and they're where everyone else goes when some other doctor fucks up their procedure. If Something Happens you'll be under the best possible care to correct it, even if it means more surgery. You're (relatively) young, with no serious underlying health conditions, and should heal quickly. You have a team of professionals on your side, and (gross that I have to write this, thanks 'Murica) the money to pay for their care. You've been in pain for about the same time that they expect you to need to get back to normal; that's more than enough time sacrificed on the altar of needless-pain.

This body is my vessel and I need to heave down occasionally. I will feel joy again, someday.